It is official. I have now gone thirty days without talking to my ex-boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound like a large amount, especially because I told him there was no chance of reconciliation six months ago, but in that relationship I was a co-dependent and an enabler. I must approach this situation as if I am an addict and that means I am rewarding myself a 30-day chip. But, I am also battling the fact that this relationship happened and there are going to be memories, occasions and sentimental events that will happen…yearly.
I am quickly approaching one of those events. His birthday is next week, on Halloween in fact, and it will be the first one spent without him in eight long whole years. I am excited about it. I get to do what I want to do rather than feeling guilty about doing something else, which happened the past two years even when we were “over”. But this time, I am taking control because I do not owe him anything. Or at least that is what I am trying to tell myself. Because, you see, I am battling with the small idea of calling him to wish him a happy birthday. It will screw my thirty days of sobriety and I will be a hypocrite, but I just can’t help but feel sad that I won’t be wishing one of the most influential men I had in my life a wish for his upcoming year. I HAVE moved on and started a new chapter. Will it really be that bad if I reach out? They say it takes 21 days to make a habit and only day one to break it. It is so so true in this instance. He will have a birthday every year and I can’t call him every single time, but what about this year?
I know there will be a day when I don’t think of him, miss him or wonder about him, but right now is not that time. Right now, I need to call him on his birthday or else it will consume me. Consumption of him is like taking two steps back, but not calling him maybe only one. Calling him is just acknowledging memories right?. My favorite thing I tell people is, “It has been a long road, but then you stop looking in the rear-view mirror.” I have lived by this for the most part, but on Halloween, I will take a glance back and my eyes will dart right back to the road I am taking.
While we are on the topic of sobriety, I feel it is necessary to come clean about who you are and acknowledging and defining the true you. Therefore, I am going to no longer write under a pen name but as myself. It is important in my growth that I learn to accept who I am. If people don’t like it or judge me, I have to be okay with it because there is no one better to be than myself. I can’t be embarrassed about what I write and hide behind a name. It is what it is and I just need to go with it.
I know I will be starting back at day 1 of sobriety, but I will be doing it as myself.